Jack Bauer
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Jack Bauer doesn't wash his clothes. He tortures them until they're clean.
Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer once stared at a woman for 30 seconds and got her pregnant.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer freaking hates lemonade.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer was once shot. The bullet was killed on impact.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the heck have you done with your life?
Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's freaking beef.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
Jack Bauer doesn't use his x-ray vision because he doesn't need it.
The National Bankruptcy Review Commission was formed in 1970 to form a new bankruptcy code. It was not enacted until 1978. If Jack Bauer chaired the committee, it would have taken 24 hours.
Jack is so good at disguising himself, that he once became President of the US just to get a better feel of how to protect future Presidents. He organized the scandal of Watergate to end his term early when he was done with his research.
In the midst of war between the Titans and the Olympian Gods, Jack Bauer captured Atlas and forced him to hold up the world until he told him who was plotting against Zeus. After Atlas cracked, Jack rushed off to inform Zeus and on his way out said, "Don't move until I get back." Atlas is still waiting for Jack to get back. It is also a well known fact that earthquakes are caused by Atlas shaking with fear when he thinks Jack is coming back.
The shirt you are wearing is really Jack trying to get information on you and your terrorist family. Quiet, don't let on that you know, or he'll blow his cover and shoot you in the leg!
Jack Bauer never uses a bullet-proof vest. Instead, he relies on his mane of chest hair to stop any bullet that tries to penetrate his skin.
Chuck Norris originally made anyone handicapped who parked in a handicapped spot. Jack Bauer came along and killed Chuck Norris and will kill anyone who parks in a handicapped spot.
While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
Jack Bauer actually wrote an episode of Three's Company in which there was no misunderstanding in the plot.
Jack Bauer can squeeze through spaces that would make a spider claustrophobic.
Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by freaking
Jack Bauer.
Needing a cover story to infiltrate South America, Jack Bauer single-handedly created the illegal drug trade. The secret ingredient in heroin that makes it so addictive is Jack Bauer's concentrated armpit sweat.
Jack Bauer was a major reason why David Palmer was elected President. Not just because he saved Palmer's life several times during the California primary, he accompanied Palmer on campaign trips and glared at voters, scaring them into voting for his man.
If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with " Jack Bauer".
The only thing elephants used to fear was mice. Until they hurt one of Jack Bauer's friends.
Jack Bauer donates his victims to Feed the Children.
Jack Bauer's mornings usually start with a trip down his slip-and-slide lined with razor blades followed by a dip in a his pool filled with rubbing alcohol. He likes to dry off with a towel made from sandpaper.
Coffee cannot start it's day without being drunk by Jack Bauer.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Jack Bauer treats a heart attack like he treats a runners stitch; he ignores it.
Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum.
Jack Bauer is the only man known in the world to block one of Chuck Norris’ patented roundhouse kicks. Even more impressive, he countered it with a pistol whip to the back of Walker: Texas Ranger's head!
Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!? at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
Since Jack Bauer is trying to keep a low profile, he will find you, rip your fingernails off and shove them into your eyeballs if you state any more facts about him.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
